Myths about Domestic Violence

As you read through various aspects and dynamics of domestic violence, your impressions of what you have learned to believe about domestic violence will come to mind. There are many myths to domestic violence, many of which are disputed by fact. Below are some of the myths and facts. Do you recognize your relationship?

MYTH - Anger causes violence.

• Violence is a response to anger.
• I lost control and hit him/her.
• I didn't mean to hurt him/her, but things just got out of hand.
• If I get angry enough, I will blow and become violent no matter what.

FACT: While anger is a normal human emotion, violence is a learned behavior. What happens is that we learn very early on that violent and aggressive behavior can be helpful in getting what we want. A youngster throws a temper tantrum at the checkout stand and is given a treat to keep them quiet. This is a learned behavior the child does to be in control. This learned behavior continues into our adult life. We may learn that a scary tone of voice or threatening to hit causes a victim to do what the abuser wants. Aggressive or abusive anger can be one technique a person may use to encourage his partner to do what he/she wants.

MYTH - If a victim didn't like it, they wouldn't stay.

• Victims ask for it.
• Some victims are masochistic.
• They are used to it.

FACT: Many victims do leave. When they do, the vast majority of them do not stay in subsequent abusive relationships. The period of time after a victim leaves or expresses his/her intention to leave is the most lethal for him/her. Seventy-five percent of the homicides and serious assaults occur then. This is a powerful deterrent to leaving.

The nature of domestic violence encourages conditions, which keep a victim economically dependent, socially isolated and trained to feel he/she has no viable options.

MYTH - Alcohol or drug abuse causes domestic violence.

• I never hit him/her when I am sober.
• I was so drunk, I don't remember anything.
• If I don't use, I won't hit him/her.

FACT: Blaming alcohol or drugs is another way to get out from under the responsibility for violent behavior. Substance abuse and domestic violence are two separate problems that often occur together. Treating one will not cure the other. Many battered partners are stunned to find that their abuser uses sobriety as a technique to control her: "You better not aggravate me; you'll make me fall off the wagon." In our culture, certain behaviors are accepted when one is "under the influence."

MYTH - Stress (at work or other areas of life) causes domestic violence.

• I was really upset by being laid off.
• He/She was threatening to leave me; how would you feel?

FACT: Men who abuse their partners rarely assault their bosses or others outside the house. If you asked a person why they did not punch their boss when written up for a mistake, they would clearly say, "I'd get in trouble for that." The implication that it is okay to take out your frustrations in certain situations but not others. This is clearly a decision made by the individual.

MYTH - Domestic violence is really more of a problem with poor and uneducated people and minorities.

FACT: People from every race, ethnic group, educational level, geographic region, rich or poor, able-bodied or not, are all capable of inflicting abuse on their family. Domestic violence is an equal opportunity crime.

MYTH - I'm not a batterer; I barely touched her. I'd never punch a woman.

FACT: Many batterers tell us that they were taught as youngsters to never hit a woman. However, holding her down, preventing her from leaving, shoving her or threatening her verbally are all forms of domestic violence. A punch is only one of the many forms of domestic violence. (Adapted from the Men's Group manual by Joan Zegree from Pence and Paymar, Duluth; Klein, Martin and Kaufman, and clinical experience.)

If you recognize behaviors in any of these myths that apply to you, please contact the Auburn Police Department or a local Domestic Violence Advocate where you live.

Additional resources concerning treatment and other programs are available to provide you with strategies to help you leave this violent cycle.