Why Victims Stay

The Barriers To Leaving An Abusive Relationship

• Fear of retaliation against the victim, children, friends and/or family members.
• Partner may threaten to kill the victim or other family members if the victim leaves, threaten to kill themselves or escalate the violence in an attempt to hold the victim in the relationship.
• Fear of losing children or placing the children in danger, either in a custody battle or because of partner's threats.
• Fear of an inadequate or harmful response by the criminal justice system and other institutions.
• Fear that no one will believe them. Batterers are often respected and popular members of the community who keep their violence and controlling behaviors secret from the public. The victim knows this and it increases the fear that no one will believe them. Because the victim believes many people will not understand the seriousness of the violence, they will not support the disruption of the family.
• Fear of being deported for undocumented persons who are victims of domestic violence.
• Fear of being blackmailed; partner may have threatened to reveal to the authorities any wrongdoing such as alcohol or drug abuse. And, in the same sex relationships, the fear of job loss or losing one's children if the victim's sexual orientation is revealed.
• Fear of losing support systems. In order to escape their partner's threats of retaliation, many victims have to leave the community which provided them with support. This is especially difficult for victims whose ethnic, racial and/or cultural heritage, language and experiences are affirmed by their community (i.e. Asian, African-American, Jewish, Latina and Native American).
• The victim has become isolated by the batterer. For example, a batterer may prohibit the victim from using the phone, may insist on transporting the victim to work, may read the victim's mail, may forbid the victim from seeing family and friends.
• Hope for change and that the batterer's treatment is successful. Victims are reluctant to leave when their partners are in treatment. They believe the treatment will motivate them to change and stop battering. Therefore, it is very important that victims are referred by law enforcement to domestic violence programs so that they can be informed about treatment programs for batterers and evaluate whether these programs are likely to effect the change that will make life safe for them.

Economic Pressures

• May lack job skills or formal education.
• Usually faces severe housing shortages and/or discrimination against single parents with children.
• May lack ability to pay security deposit.
• May face losing house, furniture and all other resources held in the batterer's name.
• May face difficulty in collecting child support or the possibility of losing custody of the children.
• May fear losing job because of the missed work and disruptions caused by leaving or the need to remain in hiding.
• Partner may threaten to withhold support, to interfere with her employment and advise prospective landlords that the victim is not credit-worthy.

Family and Community Pressures

• May experience pressure to keep the family together for personal, cultural and/or religious reasons. Many cultures rely heavily on the family unit for survival and leaving could mean the end of this support system for them and/or a betrayal of the community. Many religious values are not accepting or supportive of divorce.
• May perceive leaving as a failure to make the relationship work; may face being ostracized by friends who feel uncomfortable choosing which person in the couple they should support.
• May value children's right to both parents and perceive leaving as denying them that right.

Lack of Information and Resources

• May not know of available resources, and believes they are alone and that no one can help them.
• May experience and/or perceive available resources as unsafe or not sensitive to their particular needs. For example, non-English speaking, undocumented citizens, gays or lesbians, or elderly persons.
• May face a lack of available shelter and/or resources.
• Lack of access to legal counsel, advocates and courts. If a victim is fortunate enough to have shelter of some sort, there still needs to be a trained advocate or attorney to facilitate access to the civil and criminal courts. But most victims have no way of obtaining such assistance, particularly in the critical days and weeks immediately following flight from the batterer. Resources for advocates in the State of Washington are limited and overwhelmed with victims needing assistance. The lack of affordable legal services and other advocates leaves victims to navigate the court and social service system on their own.

Love

• Many victims love their partners and want the relationship to continue, but the violence to end. Their commitment should be respected and affirmed with intervention focusing on stopping the violence.

Excerpted and adapted from Frisch, L. 1993. "Factors Impacting Victim's Ability to Leave", The Domestic Violence Curriculum for Police Instructors. New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence.